When Therapy Has Failed You Before: Why It’s Still Worth Trying Again
Maybe you’ve tried therapy once or a few times—and maybe someone really dropped the ball. I’m not here to pretend that doesn’t happen. I’ve had my own run-ins with retraumatizing (or just plain rude) therapists. I’ve also heard countless stories—from clients and colleagues alike—about harmful missteps in the field.
First and foremost: I am sorry. I am so sorry that happened to you. For some of you reading this, it may just have been a bad fit or a frustrating experience. And that’s always disappointing when you’re trying to heal and be vulnerable. For others, there has been a severe breach of trust or extreme harm was done. That’s not right.
Even with the full spectrum of grievances in mind, here’s why I think you should try ‘yet again:’
There are a million modalities.
A therapeutic modality is a clinician’s approach to making therapy happen. It’s not as though we all take the same course with all the same techniques and just talk to you about your week every session. In reality, therapists learn a basic form of relational talk therapy in their schooling and then branch out to study a modality to specialize in. There are hundreds of these: from talking about your week to moving your body to revisiting traumatic material to looking at how your childhood shaped your past—there’s a modality out there that you haven’t tried.
Here’s an example list of what I mean:
Rogerian talk therapy
EMDR
Biofeedback
Somatic Experiencing
Psychodynamic
Psychoanalysis
Internal Family Systems
Ego state therapy
Emotion Focused Therapy
Dialectical beahavioral Therapy
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Solution-focused Brief Therapy
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy
and many more!
The truth is, there are so many kinds of therapy that go far beyond just talking. Some focus on insight, others on structure or movement or education. As a trauma therapist, I often need more than talk to help someone stay regulated—asking “how do you feel?” during a dissociative episode can be re-traumatizing, even dangerous. That’s why I truly believe: if therapy hasn’t worked for you yet, it might just be because you haven’t found the right modality.
There are a million therapists.
Sometimes therapy doesn’t work simply because the therapist wasn’t a good fit. Maybe their personality felt cold or their way of speaking felt belittling or unaware. While most therapists try to adapt to different styles, real healing comes from a genuine connection—and you shouldn’t have to force it.
It is hard when people let you down and even harder when someone who was supposed to hold unconditional positive regard for you does. It’s worth noting that at some point, every therapist will miss the mark. A good therapist will still mess up sometimes. But they’ll own it. They’ll invite repair and use the rupture as a moment of growth—for both of you. That kind of honest, mutual repair can be one of the most healing experiences therapy offers. However, if that breach of the relationship just keeps happening, it can be time to move on. I know it feels defeating to have a trained professional let you down. I encourage you to try again. There are so many of us out there. Some will click and some won’t but when that click finally happens, your journey through the rough weeds will have been worth it.
You deserve care.
You can’t heal alone. If you don’t have a strong support network—or even if you do—seeing a trained professional is a responsible, courageous step. Books, podcasts, research, and even video games can help—but they aren’t a substitute for safe, attuned connection.
Your story, your pain, your being deserves to be seen with compassion and without judgment. That kind of loving perception can be transformative. Don’t let one Dr. So-and-So have the final say over whether you ever get to experience that. No one therapist should have that much power over your healing.
